Author Archive

So the design ended up being more than one of Irene Alexeeva’s kits. What can I say? I like her style and omg I love those little pigs!! I still have to make the side graphics and for some reason my countdown to Eclipse isn’t working anymore so I’ll just put some yummy Twilight pictures there. I really like how it turned out!

The dishes are almost done…well minus the ones in here that I find while cleaning tomorrow and the ones that are throughout the rest of the house if there are any. There’s some soaking in the sink to put in the dishwasher this next time I turn it on, it wasn’t full.

I don’t even want to discuss the state the kitchen was in. It could have been on an episode of Hoarders, i swear. This room (office) too. I’m not at all proud of it, but omg…definitely time to change. No reason to be living that way! It’s nothing but laziness, really.

Well, once again, I vow that I am done…changin my ways! LOL we’ll see how long it lasts. I always say that! But really, we shouldn’t have to take an ENTIRE weekend to clean the house up! Absolutely NO reason for it!

I totally plan on changing it. I am surrounded by junk in here. I am gonna go through the room and just throw shit out that we don’t need.

I had a shelf made over the dog’s cage so I could use it to put stuff on. Well it’s piled with junk taller than me! omg, I couldn’t even tell you what’s under there! And then there’s junk all over the floor…mail, papers, blankets, just junk.

Tomorrow it will be clean. I assure you.

I found the cutest kit today in my Google Reader! It’s called “Very Own World” and is a hand-painted kit by Irene Alexeeva. I love her kits! I have a few of them.

I got it at After Five Designs. I’ll have to add their button to my sidebar, I’ve shopped there a few times this month…a couple of my favorite artists have moved there.

I also went to Gorjuss and found a little cutie to add to my blog header! I just ♥ her work! I want to get prints and hang them in my house….one day!

Anyway, I will be hopefully working on this today in between doing the dishes (UGH!) and cleaning the computer room…which I actually may save until tomorrow since the kitchen will take for.ever! I’m actually excited to get started! I need to find a little pear too that I can add. I think I have another Irene Alexeeva kit with a pear in it. Oh, and I have one with little pigs too…hmm…

Ok, gotta feed the dogs and get the iPod going to I can Jam out while I clean. P!nk, Paramore and Eminem are my kitchen cleaning jams of choice lol

I’m blogging for Mental Health Week today. I, of course, totally forgot so this is last minute (should have done it ahead of time as I had originally planned! grr) But nevertheless, I am blogging now for Mental Health Week.

My husband has OCD – along with depression and anxiety disorder…but I’m going to talk about the OCD.

His main thing with the OCD is hand washing. But he also has issues with his clothes being clean and a whole bunch of bathroom issues that I will spare you from. (you can thank me later)

Actually, I don’t even think hand washing is the main thing. I guess cleanliness, but only to a certain degree…like our house can be a complete pit, yet he doesn’t care or doesn’t do anything about it. Which I find kind of strange, but I guess I’m not supposed to understand it, it makes sense to him, right?

I can admit that I don’t understand my husband’s OCD at all.

But I love him and have to live with him and it’s a part OF him, so I deal as best as I can. I try to be supportive and patient and understand but some of it is just odd and frustrating and wears me out.

I see him running through some of his rituals and I want to shake him and just yell…snap out of it!!

You see, he wasn’t ALWAYS like this…or at least not as bad as he is – and mind you, he’s not that bad. I’ve seen the show Obsessed, yeah…he’s not that bad.

His OCD developed over time.

The past few years have been hard. He was diagnosed with APS and Lupus and a mess of other auto-immune lovelies, and then depression set in because he went from working and going out with friends, having fun…etc to sick sick sick and losing job after job till finally getting on disability. And with the depression came out the OCD.

So while I can understand that he’s gone through a lot of changes, I don’t always understand…which is hard at times.

The easiest way for me to deal with it, is for me to just deal with it…ya know? I know he has OCD, I know a lot of his issues and I try to make things easier for him if I can…I buy him hand sanitizer (they have wipes now, did you know that?) and make sure we have hand soap and let him pick out the scent he likes, and I try to make sure we always have rubber gloves in the house for him to use when necessary (he uses them for a lot of things!!!) and I try not to bring attention to it in public or when we’re with our families or friends.

And then sometimes, I think it’s all totally ridiculous and wish he’d get help for it, or work through it or something! – this doesn’t happen as often as it used to.

I guess it’s with anything, ya know? You deal with it.

My husband has OCD. He’s a hand washing, clothes washing, rubber glove wearing fool, but I love him and I even love his OCD. It’s part of him but not WHO he is. I hope he knows that. And sometimes it’s those little quirky things that he does that makes me love him more. At least his clothes are always clean, he bathes regularly and his hands are always clean…those are positives, right? lol

Plus…I have my little issues as well, and he overlooks them…so I do my best to overlook or deal with his.

After three pretty depressing posts, let’s change the pace and do a ‘”10 Things I’m Loving” post. I always like doing these and I like reading them when other bloggers write them.

1. Pioneer Woman

I am totally loving Pioneer Woman’s site and blogs right now. I recently discovered her site and I’m hooked. It’s in the Google Reader and it’s one that I read first every day! She’s a city girl who married a real live cowboy and is now living on a working ranch with him and their children. She homeschools and takes fabulous photos and I’m totally fascinated by her life and family! lol Below is one of her photos which links to her Flickr account. Check them out, they are awesome!! She’s self taught too…I wanna take photos like her when I grow up!

2. Gummy Bears

I love gummy anything, but I want to gobble these cute little bears up! I even have gummy vitamins! LOL

3. Cara Cara Oranges

The flesh of these oranges is usually pink or red or a darker orange than navel oranges. They are sweet and delicious and I’ve eaten about 40 of them in the past couple months. YUM!

4. Eclipse Breeze Gum

Best.Gum.Ever! As long as they make this gum I will never buy another gum! It’s minty and has a extra almost fruity hint of something. It’s fresh and lovely.

5. Adobe Photoshop

I love Photoshop! It’s a HUGE monster of a program that can do SO MUCH stuff. I haven’t even scratched the surface, but I am learning every day I use it!

6. Scentsy Tarts and Warmers

I bought a Scentsy tart warmer at a craft show at work. I, of course, got a purple (plum) one, and some foodie scents (Pumpkin Roll, Cutiepie Cupcake, Toasted Caramel Sugar, Warm Apple Pie)…well I plugged it in and OMG it is delicious!! The warmers work with a light bulb instead of a candle and the wax doesn’t evaporate. Very cool! And YUMS!

7. Eminem

I know he’s ridiculous and offensive, but I love me some Eminem! His new song, Not Afraid…omg LOVE IT! With lyrics like, “And I just can’t keep living this way, So starting today, I’m breaking out of this cage. I’m standing up, Imma face my demons. I’m manning up, Imma hold my ground. I’ve had enough, now I’m so fed up. Time to put my life back together right now.” ♥  The song below isn’t Not Afraid, but it’s another favorite…Beautiful.

8. New Mountain Dew Flavors

Well, I like MOST of them…there are 3 – White Out, Typhoon, and Distortion. White Out is kind of like Squirt, but without the kick of Squirt…it tastes like carbonated nothing. But I drink it, cuz it’s non. Typhoon is like a punch, it’s pretty good. And Distortion? YUCK! It’s supposed to be lime, but it’s horrible. I’ve drank maybe ONE and not again! Bluck. But new Dews are exciting and I am STILL addicted. I need a 12 step program. Srsly.

9. Wilderness Lodge @ Walt Disney World

We’re going to Disney World in October and will be staying at the Wildreness Lodge! I am SOOO stinking excited and READY for a vacation! I need a break from life and to just be able to RELAX and have fun. And I cannot wait to take my new camera there for a spin!

10. Lilacs

When I was younger, my sisters and I used to have a “Lilac Festival” whenever the neighbor’s lilacs would be in bloom. We, with the 2 neighbor boys, would pick all or most of the lilacs and parade around the yard with them. We were young and it was fun! lol Lilacs always remind me of that.

Today was better. I didn’t cry. I wan kind of numb actually.

I will be ok though – eventually.

So to the few ppl who I know read my blog, know I’ll be alright. I need to deal and let it sink in a little.

And hang on to hope – at least until July. Then, we’ll see what happens.

Back to our regularly scheduled blog…thanks for reading. Stick around, plz. It will get better.

Laying here in bed, tired as hell but it hurts to close my swollen eyes. I don’t know if my eyes are stinging from being so tired or if they just hurt from crying earlier.
The fresh tears aren’t helping things either.
I like it much better living in the land of make believe where hope and dreams live. This reality world – where hope is lost and one little sentence can cause your whole world to come crashing down around you – sucks.
I just can’t stop thinking about it. How calm he was saying it. How he watched me sob. How what I wanted or had to say didn’t matter.
How I didn’t matter.
I didn’t ask for this life. This caretaker role. This head of household, bring home the bacon role. I didn’t think I’d be the bread winner.
What I did ask for was a conversation about bringing a homeless child into our home for us to care for and love. A conversation.
And what did I get in return?
Hopes and dreams shattered by a single sentence.
4 words that keep ringing through my head – “I don’t want kids.”
Thank you dr whoever and therapist whatshisname. Thank you for determining my future. Thank you for ruining my life.
I need to sleep but the tears keep falling. How am I supposed to go on?
The world of sunshine and roses, of hopes and dreams is long gone. I want to go back in time. Just one stinking day.
I had hope then.
Now? I just have tears and emptiness and a heart beating behind a bandaid ready to be ripped out again.

Well after my complete meltdown over what my husband told me, we talked a little bit and he decided that his “no” decision was made hastily and without research of different options. So he asked that we re-discuss everything in July to give him time to look into things and our different options – adoption or fostering, etc.

While I appreciate his slight change of heart, I do feel like he is only pacifying me, which I don’t want either.

So he ripped my heart from my chest, shoved it back in and put a bandaid over it.

I sure hope he doesn’t rip it back out in July.

I want him to follow his heart and listen to HIMSELF and not two old men who don’t have anything to do with our marriage or lives. If his heart tells him being a daddy isn’t something he wants to do, then we’ll deal with it. But if it does…then (yay!) and let’s start looking into our options.

In the meantime…I’ll be desperately holding on to the tiny ounce of hope that I still have and trying not to shed anymore tears over this.

I see much therapy in my future…which is probably long overdue…and meds.

My husband has a number of autoimmune diseases. We decided to not have kids naturally because we don’t want to pass this monster on to anyone. We decided this together and we both agreed. No problems there.

We didn’t, however, totally rule out children.

Or so I thought.

I’m going to be 36 this month…yeah, the biological clock is ticking away. I ALWAYS have wanted kids. Always. And I always thought I’d adopt kids. I wanted 2 of my own and 2 adopted.

So my husband and I had a short conversation about the whole kids thing…I asked him to “think about it” and then we could talk it over.

Well seems he thought about it and talked to his shrink about it and his therapist about it and decided that he didn’t want to have kids – any kind of kids – because what if he got sicker or was tired during the day and had to take care of a kid.

So basically, he talked to everyone on earth but his WIFE, the person who is involved in this marriage and decision with him…and without even discussing things with me, he’s made this decision FOR me.

WTF

I know getting sick is NOT his fault. I know he had nothing to do with that, but I can’t HELP but feel like he just took away the ONE thing on this earth that I want more than anything. I know it would change things, but I know we’d work it out! Everything works out.

But the decision had been made – for me.

And now I don’t know what to do. I seriously feel like someone ripped my heart out.

Never, in a million years did I think THIS…this life I am living…was it for me. There HAS to be something else. I couldn’t have been put here to care for a sick husband and a house full of crazy, unruly animals.

This just can’t be it. Can it?

I think I need to utilize my blog a bit more so I downloaded the WordPress app for my Crackberry. This is just a test! Hopefully more fun blogs to come!

I use and love Google Reader. Never thought I would, but I cannot live without it. All my favorite, must-read blogs all on one page, all letting me know that they’ve been updated…I recommend you use it if you don’t already…and if there are multiple blogs that you read regularly.

 

Two of the blogs I read (The Sphors are Multiplying & Callapitter) are written by women who have lost children. And actually, this week is the 1 year anniversary of their deaths. I don’t know how these women have held it together. I cannot imagine what they have gone and are going through right now. I don’t know how they continued to breathe after losing their children. I don’t think i could do it. I think of these two women and their families often. I just cannot imagine…

 

I also read a blog called Novel Patient written by a woman who has a number of autoimmune diseases. She was confined to a wheelchair for some time, but has recently started to walk again. Her blog is filled with inspiration and truth – true feelings about frustration, life, people. I really enjoy reading her blog and I cried when when I saw the photos of her standing and walking with her walker. Sometimes her blog hits home because my husband also has a number of autoimmune diseases. Hers are different, but still invisible, like my husband’s. And the fact that she seems to still have a sense of humor and she always has the biggest smile, inspiring really.

 

The Oasis of My Soul is a blog about a man, his dog (Spirit), his motorcycle and their adventures. He was once a chef but now travels the country on his motorcycle with Spirit riding in the sidecar. He bought a large piece of land last year or the year before and has named it “The Oasis” and I believe calls it home when he’s not travelling. He cooks over an open fire, meets all kinds of interesting people on his travels and takes the most amazing photographs!! He also has a very soothing, and eloquent writing style.

 

I have about 24 digital scrapbook blogs in my reader. Seeing that number, it’s a bit of an addiction! LOL But I really love it all…papers, elements, fonts. Love it! My favorites include: Scrapgoo by Lliella, Britt-ish Designs, Flergalicious, Digi Delights, & Ziggle Designs. Some of the artists share bits and pieces of their lives, and some just post their scrappy kits and sales and things. Either way, I like to browse and the glimpse I get into people’s lives…in a non crazy, non stalkerish way.

 

I recently started reading the Pioneer Woman site. It’s like 5 blogs in one really. I swear, I spent 2 hours just reading on her site today. It’s really interesting…city girl meets a cowboy, falls in love and then moves to the country on a working ranch. She takes wonderful photographs, posts contests and giveaways and writes about things like homeschooling, cooking and life on the ranch. She calls her husband Marlboro Man and her kids punks…she’s witty and sarcastic and I love it. She also posts the most delicious looking recipes with step by step instructions with photos and she loves butter…what’s not to love? LOL

 

I read…well skim through the photos on the Disney blog. I will probably read more when our trip gets a little closer. *insert me doing a little happy dance here*

 

I have blogs on there like Cake Wrecks, Ugliest Tattoos, The People of Walmart, Awkward Photos, and Wedinator. All funny, and some omg-I-can’t-believe-people-actually-leave-the-house-like-this blogs. And I’d LOVE to know, in what state does Walmart allow animals? because I’ve NEVER seen any at ours…the handful of times I’ve been there. I generally HATE Walmart.

 

I faithfully read PostSecret and have been tempted to submit secrets of my own. I’d love to get one of the Post Secret books. Maybe next time the husband goes to the bookstore I’ll have him pick me up one. Sometimes the secrets are so sad, but sometimes I can relate to them. I’d have to think it’s therapeutic to a degree.

 

One blog I read is called The Truth About Pet Food. If you have a pet – dog or cat – you may want to read this blog. Especially if you would like to learn more about or are concerned about the food that you are feeding your pet. If you’ve read my blog in the past, you will know we lost 2 cats to the 2006 pet food recall. We totally changed the way we feed our pets after that incident. Our dogs are actually raw fed…meaning that we feed them raw meat (and bone) and veggies. The cats are on an all canned food diet, and unfortunately we cannot afford premium because we have 4 of them, but they only get one brand, only pate style and only certain non-fish flavors. They are doing awesome on it as well.

 

The last blog I’m going to mention…and this is for no particular reason, it’s not my favorite or anything like that…but it’s the kevin and amanda blog. They also own the fonts for peas blog. The font blog is awesome…loads and loads of handwritten fonts and all free! Yay! I like reading their main blog because Amanda has great style, I love the photos of her house. The colors and everything are just awesome…bright and perfect together. They also have two Boston Terriers I think they are…Miley and Howie and they are just adorable! Oh, and Amanda takes awesome photos as well!! She also sometimes does giveaways and does scrapbooking and recipes too.

 

And then of course I have various blogs of my friends and people who I know from Facebook or Twitter. I just like reading about other people’s lives and looking at photos. I look at them in awe of their mad photography skills and it makes me wish I knew how to use my camera better. I need to take a class or something. Maybe I’ll get a book or find some online at your own pace kind of tutorials or classes.

 

Do you have any favorite blogs that you read? Don’t forget to leave the link…or leave me the link to yours. Maybe I’ll add it to the ole Google Reader!