After three pretty depressing posts, let’s change the pace and do a ‘”10 Things I’m Loving” post. I always like doing these and I like reading them when other bloggers write them.

1. Pioneer Woman

I am totally loving Pioneer Woman’s site and blogs right now. I recently discovered her site and I’m hooked. It’s in the Google Reader and it’s one that I read first every day! She’s a city girl who married a real live cowboy and is now living on a working ranch with him and their children. She homeschools and takes fabulous photos and I’m totally fascinated by her life and family! lol Below is one of her photos which links to her Flickr account. Check them out, they are awesome!! She’s self taught too…I wanna take photos like her when I grow up!

2. Gummy Bears

I love gummy anything, but I want to gobble these cute little bears up! I even have gummy vitamins! LOL

3. Cara Cara Oranges

The flesh of these oranges is usually pink or red or a darker orange than navel oranges. They are sweet and delicious and I’ve eaten about 40 of them in the past couple months. YUM!

4. Eclipse Breeze Gum

Best.Gum.Ever! As long as they make this gum I will never buy another gum! It’s minty and has a extra almost fruity hint of something. It’s fresh and lovely.

5. Adobe Photoshop

I love Photoshop! It’s a HUGE monster of a program that can do SO MUCH stuff. I haven’t even scratched the surface, but I am learning every day I use it!

6. Scentsy Tarts and Warmers

I bought a Scentsy tart warmer at a craft show at work. I, of course, got a purple (plum) one, and some foodie scents (Pumpkin Roll, Cutiepie Cupcake, Toasted Caramel Sugar, Warm Apple Pie)…well I plugged it in and OMG it is delicious!! The warmers work with a light bulb instead of a candle and the wax doesn’t evaporate. Very cool! And YUMS!

7. Eminem

I know he’s ridiculous and offensive, but I love me some Eminem! His new song, Not Afraid…omg LOVE IT! With lyrics like, “And I just can’t keep living this way, So starting today, I’m breaking out of this cage. I’m standing up, Imma face my demons. I’m manning up, Imma hold my ground. I’ve had enough, now I’m so fed up. Time to put my life back together right now.” ♥  The song below isn’t Not Afraid, but it’s another favorite…Beautiful.

8. New Mountain Dew Flavors

Well, I like MOST of them…there are 3 – White Out, Typhoon, and Distortion. White Out is kind of like Squirt, but without the kick of Squirt…it tastes like carbonated nothing. But I drink it, cuz it’s non. Typhoon is like a punch, it’s pretty good. And Distortion? YUCK! It’s supposed to be lime, but it’s horrible. I’ve drank maybe ONE and not again! Bluck. But new Dews are exciting and I am STILL addicted. I need a 12 step program. Srsly.

9. Wilderness Lodge @ Walt Disney World

We’re going to Disney World in October and will be staying at the Wildreness Lodge! I am SOOO stinking excited and READY for a vacation! I need a break from life and to just be able to RELAX and have fun. And I cannot wait to take my new camera there for a spin!

10. Lilacs

When I was younger, my sisters and I used to have a “Lilac Festival” whenever the neighbor’s lilacs would be in bloom. We, with the 2 neighbor boys, would pick all or most of the lilacs and parade around the yard with them. We were young and it was fun! lol Lilacs always remind me of that.

Today was better. I didn’t cry. I wan kind of numb actually.

I will be ok though – eventually.

So to the few ppl who I know read my blog, know I’ll be alright. I need to deal and let it sink in a little.

And hang on to hope – at least until July. Then, we’ll see what happens.

Back to our regularly scheduled blog…thanks for reading. Stick around, plz. It will get better.

Laying here in bed, tired as hell but it hurts to close my swollen eyes. I don’t know if my eyes are stinging from being so tired or if they just hurt from crying earlier.
The fresh tears aren’t helping things either.
I like it much better living in the land of make believe where hope and dreams live. This reality world – where hope is lost and one little sentence can cause your whole world to come crashing down around you – sucks.
I just can’t stop thinking about it. How calm he was saying it. How he watched me sob. How what I wanted or had to say didn’t matter.
How I didn’t matter.
I didn’t ask for this life. This caretaker role. This head of household, bring home the bacon role. I didn’t think I’d be the bread winner.
What I did ask for was a conversation about bringing a homeless child into our home for us to care for and love. A conversation.
And what did I get in return?
Hopes and dreams shattered by a single sentence.
4 words that keep ringing through my head – “I don’t want kids.”
Thank you dr whoever and therapist whatshisname. Thank you for determining my future. Thank you for ruining my life.
I need to sleep but the tears keep falling. How am I supposed to go on?
The world of sunshine and roses, of hopes and dreams is long gone. I want to go back in time. Just one stinking day.
I had hope then.
Now? I just have tears and emptiness and a heart beating behind a bandaid ready to be ripped out again.

Well after my complete meltdown over what my husband told me, we talked a little bit and he decided that his “no” decision was made hastily and without research of different options. So he asked that we re-discuss everything in July to give him time to look into things and our different options – adoption or fostering, etc.

While I appreciate his slight change of heart, I do feel like he is only pacifying me, which I don’t want either.

So he ripped my heart from my chest, shoved it back in and put a bandaid over it.

I sure hope he doesn’t rip it back out in July.

I want him to follow his heart and listen to HIMSELF and not two old men who don’t have anything to do with our marriage or lives. If his heart tells him being a daddy isn’t something he wants to do, then we’ll deal with it. But if it does…then (yay!) and let’s start looking into our options.

In the meantime…I’ll be desperately holding on to the tiny ounce of hope that I still have and trying not to shed anymore tears over this.

I see much therapy in my future…which is probably long overdue…and meds.

My husband has a number of autoimmune diseases. We decided to not have kids naturally because we don’t want to pass this monster on to anyone. We decided this together and we both agreed. No problems there.

We didn’t, however, totally rule out children.

Or so I thought.

I’m going to be 36 this month…yeah, the biological clock is ticking away. I ALWAYS have wanted kids. Always. And I always thought I’d adopt kids. I wanted 2 of my own and 2 adopted.

So my husband and I had a short conversation about the whole kids thing…I asked him to “think about it” and then we could talk it over.

Well seems he thought about it and talked to his shrink about it and his therapist about it and decided that he didn’t want to have kids – any kind of kids – because what if he got sicker or was tired during the day and had to take care of a kid.

So basically, he talked to everyone on earth but his WIFE, the person who is involved in this marriage and decision with him…and without even discussing things with me, he’s made this decision FOR me.

WTF

I know getting sick is NOT his fault. I know he had nothing to do with that, but I can’t HELP but feel like he just took away the ONE thing on this earth that I want more than anything. I know it would change things, but I know we’d work it out! Everything works out.

But the decision had been made – for me.

And now I don’t know what to do. I seriously feel like someone ripped my heart out.

Never, in a million years did I think THIS…this life I am living…was it for me. There HAS to be something else. I couldn’t have been put here to care for a sick husband and a house full of crazy, unruly animals.

This just can’t be it. Can it?

I think I need to utilize my blog a bit more so I downloaded the WordPress app for my Crackberry. This is just a test! Hopefully more fun blogs to come!

I use and love Google Reader. Never thought I would, but I cannot live without it. All my favorite, must-read blogs all on one page, all letting me know that they’ve been updated…I recommend you use it if you don’t already…and if there are multiple blogs that you read regularly.

Two of the blogs I read (The Sphors are Multiplying & Callapitter) are written by women who have lost children. And actually, this week is the 1 year anniversary of their deaths. I don’t know how these women have held it together. I cannot imagine what they have gone and are going through right now. I don’t know how they continued to breathe after losing their children. I don’t think i could do it. I think of these two women and their families often. I just cannot imagine…

I also read a blog called Novel Patient written by a woman who has a number of autoimmune diseases. She was confined to a wheelchair for some time, but has recently started to walk again. Her blog is filled with inspiration and truth – true feelings about frustration, life, people. I really enjoy reading her blog and I cried when when I saw the photos of her standing and walking with her walker. Sometimes her blog hits home because my husband also has a number of autoimmune diseases. Hers are different, but still invisible, like my husband’s. And the fact that she seems to still have a sense of humor and she always has the biggest smile, inspiring really.

The Oasis of My Soul is a blog about a man, his dog (Spirit), his motorcycle and their adventures. He was once a chef but now travels the country on his motorcycle with Spirit riding in the sidecar. He bought a large piece of land last year or the year before and has named it “The Oasis” and I believe calls it home when he’s not travelling. He cooks over an open fire, meets all kinds of interesting people on his travels and takes the most amazing photographs!! He also has a very soothing, and eloquent writing style.

I have about 24 digital scrapbook blogs in my reader. Seeing that number, it’s a bit of an addiction! LOL But I really love it all…papers, elements, fonts. Love it! My favorites include: Scrapgoo by Lliella, Britt-ish Designs, Flergalicious, Digi Delights, & Ziggle Designs. Some of the artists share bits and pieces of their lives, and some just post their scrappy kits and sales and things. Either way, I like to browse and the glimpse I get into people’s lives…in a non crazy, non stalkerish way.

I recently started reading the Pioneer Woman site. It’s like 5 blogs in one really. I swear, I spent 2 hours just reading on her site today. It’s really interesting…city girl meets a cowboy, falls in love and then moves to the country on a working ranch. She takes wonderful photographs, posts contests and giveaways and writes about things like homeschooling, cooking and life on the ranch. She calls her husband Marlboro Man and her kids punks…she’s witty and sarcastic and I love it. She also posts the most delicious looking recipes with step by step instructions with photos and she loves butter…what’s not to love? LOL

I read…well skim through the photos on the Disney blog. I will probably read more when our trip gets a little closer. *insert me doing a little happy dance here*

I have blogs on there like Cake Wrecks, Ugliest Tattoos, The People of Walmart, Awkward Photos, and Wedinator. All funny, and some omg-I-can’t-believe-people-actually-leave-the-house-like-this blogs. And I’d LOVE to know, in what state does Walmart allow animals? because I’ve NEVER seen any at ours…the handful of times I’ve been there. I generally HATE Walmart.

I faithfully read PostSecret and have been tempted to submit secrets of my own. I’d love to get one of the Post Secret books. Maybe next time the husband goes to the bookstore I’ll have him pick me up one. Sometimes the secrets are so sad, but sometimes I can relate to them. I’d have to think it’s therapeutic to a degree.

One blog I read is called The Truth About Pet Food. If you have a pet – dog or cat – you may want to read this blog. Especially if you would like to learn more about or are concerned about the food that you are feeding your pet. If you’ve read my blog in the past, you will know we lost 2 cats to the 2006 pet food recall. We totally changed the way we feed our pets after that incident. Our dogs are actually raw fed…meaning that we feed them raw meat (and bone) and veggies. The cats are on an all canned food diet, and unfortunately we cannot afford premium because we have 4 of them, but they only get one brand, only pate style and only certain non-fish flavors. They are doing awesome on it as well.

The last blog I’m going to mention…and this is for no particular reason, it’s not my favorite or anything like that…but it’s the kevin and amanda blog. They also own the fonts for peas blog. The font blog is awesome…loads and loads of handwritten fonts and all free! Yay! I like reading their main blog because Amanda has great style, I love the photos of her house. The colors and everything are just awesome…bright and perfect together. They also have two Boston Terriers I think they are…Miley and Howie and they are just adorable! Oh, and Amanda takes awesome photos as well!! She also sometimes does giveaways and does scrapbooking and recipes too.

And then of course I have various blogs of my friends and people who I know from Facebook or Twitter. I just like reading about other people’s lives and looking at photos. I look at them in awe of their mad photography skills and it makes me wish I knew how to use my camera better. I need to take a class or something. Maybe I’ll get a book or find some online at your own pace kind of tutorials or classes.

Do you have any favorite blogs that you read? Don’t forget to leave the link…or leave me the link to yours. Maybe I’ll add it to the ole Google Reader!

I got this in an email this afternoon. I thought it was a good list of things to work towards for the year and thought I’d share it.

HANDBOOK 2010

Health:
1.       Drink plenty of water.
2.       Eat breakfast like a king, lunch like a prince and dinner like a beggar.
3.       Eat more foods that grow on trees and plants and eat less food that is manufactured in plants..
4.       Live with the 3 E ‘s — Energy, Enthusiasm and Empathy
5.       Make time to pray
6.       Play more games
7.       Read more books than you did in 2009 .
8.       Sit in silence for at least 10 minutes each day
9.       Sleep for 7 hours…..
10.     Take a 10-30 minute walk daily. And while you walk, smile.

Personality:
11.    Don’ t compare your life to others. You have no idea what their journey is all about.
12.    Don’ t have negative thoughts or things you cannot control. Instead invest your energy in the positive present moment.
13.    Don’ t over do. Keep your limits
14.    Don’ t take yourself so seriously. No one else does.
15.    Don’ t waste your precious energy on gossip.
16.    Dream more while you are awake
17.    Envy is a waste of time. You already have all you need..
18.    Forget issues of the past. Don’t remind your partner with His/her mistakes of the past. That will ruin your present happiness.
19.    Life is too short to waste time hating anyone. Don’t hate others.
20    Make peace with your past so it won’t spoil the present.
21.    No one is in charge of your happiness except you…
22.    Realize that life is a school and you are here to learn.  Problems are simply part of the curriculum that appear and fade away like algebra class but the lessons you learn will last a lifetime.
23.    Smile and laugh more.
24.    You don’ t have to win every argument. Agree to disagree…

Society:
25.    Call your family often.
26.    Each day give something good to others.
27.    Forgive everyone for everything..
28.    Spend time w/ people over the age of 70 & under the age of  6.
29.    Try to make at least three people smile each day.
30.    What other people think of you is none of your business.
31.    Your job won’ t take care of you when you are sick. Your friends will. Stay in touch.

Life:
32.    Do the right thing!
33.    Get rid of anything that isn’t useful, beautiful or joy ful.
34.    GOD heals everything.
35.    However good or bad a situation is, it will change…
36.    No matter how you feel, get up, dress up and show up.
37.    The best is yet to come…
38.    When you awake alive in the morning, thank GOD for it.
39.    Your Inner most is always happy. So, be happy.

Right now I’m sitting here trying not to listen to my husband who is a couple rooms away and on the phone with a crisis hotline.

I won’t say more because he reads my blog.

I can only hope that 2010 has better things in store for us than 2009 did and in all honesty, 2009 didn’t suck that much.

Hope you all have a safe and Happy New Year and may 2010 bring you nothing but good health and happiness.

While I’m waiting for him to get ready…we’re heading to my sister’s house for New Year type activities…I’ll jot down a little list of things that happened in 2009 that are significant to me. A reflection on the year, if you will.

We are now into the Land Contract of owning our house. – so yes, the house and all of the surrounding property will some day be ours! It’s a great feeling really. I didn’t mind renting, but to actually be OWNing something…it’s a good feeling.

We brought another furry bundle into our home. – while we sadly had to say goodbye to our beloved princess kitty, Beans (she is somewhere at a rescue or in foster care awating her new forever home) we adopted a kitten from the Michigan Humane Society. His official name is Cosmo, but he’s best known as Snorty or Snorts. He will be formally introduced to the interwebz soon.

My husband was officially diagnosed with Lupus. – not the best news, but helpful for his treatment. He was also put on Plaquenil, which, I’m sure, if he took properly would help him feel better.

We booked another trip to Disney World for next year. – I am SOOO excited about this! We’re going in october and staying at the Wilderness Lodge. It should be a really fun time!

My baby sister got married! – nuff said! Her wedding and reception were both beautiful and it was all kind of a whirlwind. 2 weddings in 2 years, whew! Glad they are over!

My Sister-in-Law and her family moved back to the USA from Australia. – they were there because of my BIL’s job and they were gone for 2 years. It was supposed to be a little bit longer, but with the jobs the way they are, they ended up coming home sooner than expected. I’m glad they are home though, I missed the little ones!

President Obama was sworn in. – what a wonderful time for our country. A time of hope and a time of change. He’s got a mess to clean up and I think he’s been doing as well a job as he can.

I decided to go back to school. – this is a biggie for me. I hate school in general. I just don’t like the classroom, but my job offers us 4250.00 a year for tuition!!! How could I not use it! Why wouldn’t I want to?? So I am. I’m starting at a Community College and of course the degree I’m going for is computer related. I’m nervous/scared/excited all at once.